The last time I went walk-about I met The Turk and coffee "that will kill you." Kind of a twist on the Hollywood Black Dahlia murder mystery, "maybe she stopped in there, chugged two spoon melters and..." -- see how you can spin out of control when all you got to play with is a keyboard?
DISSOLVE TO TANGENT
I don't have normal TV when I'm staying -- but I do have Cozi TV, PBS 2 and 3 (if you subtract the former from the latter, maybe you get PBS 1, but I can't find it) and Jesus channels in Korean, Hmong (not be confused with Moang), Chinese, several flavors of Spanish, the usual assortment of old white Southern guys.
BACK TO SCENE
So I'm walking down the street when I feel a tap on my shoulder and turn to see a little dude sitting on my shoulder. He's sitting too close and I need readers anyway and am pretty sure he's not a book, so I wait him out.
LITTLE DUDE
When was the last time you ate something?
ME
You mean today, or since I been here?
LITTLE DUDE
That's what I thought.
(points)
You know that curb you stumbled over back there?
ME
(defensively)
I barely caught the top of it.
LITTLE DUDE
Right. But there ain't no curb back there.
ME
Oh. So what you're say--
LITTLE DUDE
How much protein do you think is in those
five cups of coffee you had?
ME
You mean today, or since I been here?
LITTLE DUDE
It depends on how dirty the spoon is.
Go to the next restaurant you find and order
a meat milkshake or a blended tuna, whatever.
But do it before someone is checking to see if
your new medicare card works.
The big sign on the front said "Chili Beans' -- big white plastic background, a red chili pepper between Chili and Beans. LITTLE DUDE got class, steered me right to the bowl. I make an immediate left and walk right by the sandwich board that said, "HAPPY HOUR 4 to 6 PM DAILY." Also in big letters. Chalk. Multiple colors which match the color scheme of the bar next door. LITTLE DUDE also has a sense of humor.
I walk in to
CHILIBEANS
and it's like I'm on the set from Man From Uncle -- where the front is a tailor shop and the back is where they hide the chili, peppers and beans. So I'm looking around and all they got is sunglasses, here. Not like just a few for those opportunists who walked in for lunch when it was raining and are walking out into the Bight Golden Oracle in the sky. I walk
BACK OUTSIDE
and read the sign over the door I just walked in. Still says, "Chili Beans" with A red chili separating the chili from the beans, as God intended. I'm not dizzy, the grounds not moving more than normal and everyone looks normal. For L.A.
BACK INSIDE
ME
(to salesperson)
Excuse me... but the sign outside -- the big one over your
door that says "Chili Beans" with a red chili separating
the chili from the beans? Did they move or something?
STARGLOW
Oh, yeah... that. We get a lot of people coming in
thinking we're a restaurant. Especially around lunch or dinner.
ME
(still grasping the concept)
And... ?
STARGLOW
And we're not. Like we're so not. We sell sunglasses,
just like the Sunglass Hut at the corner of the block.
ME
The Sunglass Hut is 4 shops down from you?
STARGLOW
Well, DUH! Why do you think we named ours "ChiliBeans"?
BACK OUTSIDE
Next up was BURGER LOUNGE with a tag under it in green that promised, "grass fed." Now I want you to close your eyes and conjure up what could possibly be in a burger lounge. Cows kicked back getting a pedi. HUGE massage table in the middle where four Japanese guys wearing karate gis with "Kobi Massage" embroidered on the back, beat hell out of some steer on the table, his legs sticking out the bottom through comfort holes.
And I'll eat the occasional salad, but not if you have the temerity to confess it's just grass. Pass. Hard stop. Full speed ahead, past the Sunglass Hut without even a glance and into the distance where another sandwich board signals food.
ON THE SIDEWALK
Years ago I was contemplating a business decision and had worked out every angle I could think of, had exhausted Ann with endless "what if" questions and finally came to the conclusion I needed legal advice. Preferably free legal advice from an expert criminal defense attorney. No, I don't sleep much and why do you ask?
I tell my childhood friend, Ty Settles, the whole deal. All the known ins and outs, some of the "what ifs," the worst and best case scenarios I can think of. I mean, he's got all kinds of clients, he's seen it all, he can be my guide through the Fire Swamp, right?
He listens like Yoda. Then carefully issues forth,
TY
(serious advisor voice)
You've done everything you can do. You've done all the
due diligence, the business model, forecasting... everything.
There's only one thing left you can do.
ME
(finally THE answer)
Yeah. So what's left to do?
TY
Slowly approach the abyss,
grab your nuts and jump.
Yoda might have said, "nuts jump, abyss you grab" but the reason this is relevant is because the sign outside the restaurant said, "Sushi and Snake." Ty and Yoda can kiss my abyss. This isn't a take off on "Moose and Squirrel." Something bad is happening in there or will if I go in and meet the Turk again.
LATER
ANGIE
So, that's a chicken sandwich, chocolate chip cookie
and a Starbucks Orange Mango Smoothy. Will that be all?
It was. Stand by..
